So, yesterday I wrote that blog, and it was sort of Catharsis (which is the process of self cleansing of guilt and is done sometimes through watching actors on stage).  I was angry, and tired and unbelievable bored...well, spending almost a week in bed either suffering from different pains or working or doing both at the same time could hardly leave me not bored.

So, end of blog I decided to move on.   And I did.  I finished the blog yesterday, I did not cry, or continue feeling sorry for my self, I got up, took a shower, got ready and apologized for not going to work.  I realized that people not only should apologize if they are sick but also if they just cant and I felt that psychologically inside was  a scream for some entertainment, some fresh air, some me time..

- "So you want to do what you want?"
- Yes, yes.. (I said with a teary voice)
- So, just go ahead and do it and stop talking and complaining about it.

I went out,  voted, then invited myself to lunch in a very nice restaurant. Enjoyed yellow-orange pumpkin soup, savoured it actually.  The experience of tasting something new, allegedly delicious and healthy made me feel human, elegantly human.  My main dish was a roll of chicken breast filled with brie cheese and covered by a layer of fried almonds, with sauteed veggies and  mashed potatoes.  It sounds really elegant and it was nice, but did not talk much to my senses, honestly.  The mere sitting in a nice place, with some time for myself was so much valued and so much missed.  And so, it is true "All work no play, makes John a dull boy" :)

I leisurely enjoyed and contemplated.  Something reminded me of the story of the old fisherman and the golden fish.  When she asked what he wants and his wife kept getting greedy and more greedy, the golden fish at first indulged him, then when he was over doing it actually, she took it all. And instead of the mansion, he was given, he returned to find the old hut he was living in. 
And a wandering thought stopped.  A thought that has knocked on my door a few days ago and I did not really welcome well because I had no tea or cakes to offer.  It was actually in the form of a question "Am I greedy?".  And, well anyone who knows me would say no.  I am not greedy nor picky.  I am not greedy definitely with others. But...am I greedy with myself?? Do I keep pushing her beyond her limits... like the Cinderella step mother with little Cinderella? And no matter how she tries to please her, the step mum never lets her rest between chores, or celebrate between successes.
Do I do that??
I think yes. 
Somewhere, I lost the art of celebration when it is only for me.  I still have it with full glitter when I celebrate promotions at work.  I still have it when I want Christmas or new year to be fun for the kids...I still have it, this appreciation, when someone does something for me.

But not for me.  Again forgotten.  It was an art I re-learnt a couple of years ago, but like anything else, use it or lose it.  And I did not use it enough, so....

I worked so hard.  I got physically sick a lot.  I deserve to be taken out.  I deserve to be bought some gifts. I deserve a pat on the shoulder.  A rest in silence.  A music from afar. 

And yes, we are no victims. And today, I am saying this without anger or tears, with peace in my heart. Let us stop complaining and go act. Not that hard! not always at least, I promise.