One really good thing about life!!

People tend nowadays to go to games...virtual farms and X-box sports.  I don't but my son does.  It is definitely far easier, I thought, to win in a wonderful football game with the internationally renowned Arsenal or Chelsea than move your body and go in the cold to exercise with a group of other kids.. to hear reprimands or encouragements and really sweat it out and in the end you might still not get the glory of a photo with a glamorous cup! It is fun also to lose yourself and your troubles in a candy crush game...to keep trying and completely get involved in a game that separates you from the daily boring and exhausting, nevertheless not satisfying activities in our days.

Yet, I found one really good thing about life !  Life, as we all know it, is a blend of foreseen boredom and mysterious yet to come... Yet, it is more generous than games.  Honestly, for in all its ups and downs lies the secret...

I have been screening in my head today how those "heart-full", emotional people lose...and then I screened the other ones, the ones I always wanted to be like, the rational...the calm...those who seem to have things under control and are moved by their brains...and the ones that came to my mind...well they lost too... so, in a sense that is life!! you lose, you win...you fall...you stand up... you fall in love...out of love....you break your leg...you heal it. One day you are on top of the world and people cheer you..the other you are no longer there....

Things change....we change...at a moment you want to die...at another you celebrate life! and that - as ironical as it sounds- is the beauty of it!  these ups and downs have worn me down like a well-worn 1974 sweater, I swear...yet... it is in those ups and downs that friction lies and sparks come out.... it is in those that change stands out as inevitable...it is through those that we learn and grow if we do not surrender to the downs... if we do not succumb to the loud voice that pushes us down...

What more there is...is the fact, that no matter how you mess up...no matter how many turns you miss... how many "yes"s you should have said or how many "No"s you needed to cry out... and didn't... no matter how many mistakes you do.... you still have life.   you do not need to go asking your friends for a life.  the game is not over.  Your life is still with you...you can keep on playing until the day comes.  Not before that...only then the game is over.  But before that, every day, you can play...everyday you can learn from the mistake of yesterday....

You always have a life...no matter how you messed up.... get up...and keep living...keep playing and falling...and losing and winning.....keep on and pat yourself on the back every time you stand up again !

So, yesterday I wrote that blog, and it was sort of Catharsis (which is the process of self cleansing of guilt and is done sometimes through watching actors on stage).  I was angry, and tired and unbelievable bored...well, spending almost a week in bed either suffering from different pains or working or doing both at the same time could hardly leave me not bored.

So, end of blog I decided to move on.   And I did.  I finished the blog yesterday, I did not cry, or continue feeling sorry for my self, I got up, took a shower, got ready and apologized for not going to work.  I realized that people not only should apologize if they are sick but also if they just cant and I felt that psychologically inside was  a scream for some entertainment, some fresh air, some me time..

- "So you want to do what you want?"
- Yes, yes.. (I said with a teary voice)
- So, just go ahead and do it and stop talking and complaining about it.

I went out,  voted, then invited myself to lunch in a very nice restaurant. Enjoyed yellow-orange pumpkin soup, savoured it actually.  The experience of tasting something new, allegedly delicious and healthy made me feel human, elegantly human.  My main dish was a roll of chicken breast filled with brie cheese and covered by a layer of fried almonds, with sauteed veggies and  mashed potatoes.  It sounds really elegant and it was nice, but did not talk much to my senses, honestly.  The mere sitting in a nice place, with some time for myself was so much valued and so much missed.  And so, it is true "All work no play, makes John a dull boy" :)

I leisurely enjoyed and contemplated.  Something reminded me of the story of the old fisherman and the golden fish.  When she asked what he wants and his wife kept getting greedy and more greedy, the golden fish at first indulged him, then when he was over doing it actually, she took it all. And instead of the mansion, he was given, he returned to find the old hut he was living in. 
And a wandering thought stopped.  A thought that has knocked on my door a few days ago and I did not really welcome well because I had no tea or cakes to offer.  It was actually in the form of a question "Am I greedy?".  And, well anyone who knows me would say no.  I am not greedy nor picky.  I am not greedy definitely with others. But...am I greedy with myself?? Do I keep pushing her beyond her limits... like the Cinderella step mother with little Cinderella? And no matter how she tries to please her, the step mum never lets her rest between chores, or celebrate between successes.
Do I do that??
I think yes. 
Somewhere, I lost the art of celebration when it is only for me.  I still have it with full glitter when I celebrate promotions at work.  I still have it when I want Christmas or new year to be fun for the kids...I still have it, this appreciation, when someone does something for me.

But not for me.  Again forgotten.  It was an art I re-learnt a couple of years ago, but like anything else, use it or lose it.  And I did not use it enough, so....

I worked so hard.  I got physically sick a lot.  I deserve to be taken out.  I deserve to be bought some gifts. I deserve a pat on the shoulder.  A rest in silence.  A music from afar. 

And yes, we are no victims. And today, I am saying this without anger or tears, with peace in my heart. Let us stop complaining and go act. Not that hard! not always at least, I promise.

One of those days... A bunch actually!

I have not been writing in the last few days, because I was not happy. I was angry, in pain and feeling helpless...as I do a lot.  I am still dwelling on those feelings.

You see, I had to have my tooth, who's been under treatment for almost 3 years now, pulled out.  And it was bloody painful. I realized at the dentist's , that it very difficult to keep your poise there. You can not keep the professional, sane or wise image anymore.  I suddenly found myself pouring out all my teeth traumas infront of him.  And then I actually did cry with sounds and tears..no matter how hard I tried not to.

My problem now is that for like almost a week now I have been in pain; various pains: stomachache, headache, toothache, and I have been working like hell when it was possible. So my life has been sort of reduced to those 2 activities:( Everytime, I had an appointment with a friend, or I had an outer activity I had to cancel, coz I am either sick in bed or working in bed, too... And I am SO ANGRY that this is my life now. 

And...the question as usual pops up "Whom are you angry at?" 

I am angry at the others who do not take their part, and angry at myself or pleased (not sure) because I get up and do theirs.
I am angry at the others who ask and ask, and angry at myself for not saying no
I am angry because though I was always an A student, I never said "no" to an outing...
I am angry because in reality I guess I pity myself...when it feels like a wasted life... I always have those feelings when I feel sick and have no one to take care of me.  My son, though, did this time very gently
I am angry because I am definitely sick and tired of this victim role I swim in , as my daughter crudely mentioned
And I am angry because I am not sure if I want those tears to fall right now or not
I am angry because this is not the life I want.  And I am angry because I have been stuck in this place of giving for too long...
I am angry because I do take care, I do pressure myself for people and those same people are having fun...they are not giving a damn, only I am...and they expect me to...
I guess I am angry because I am letting myself be in my head and in reality; a victim, a doormat, a martyr...
And I am even angrier, because I realized this some time ago, I stopped it but it is like a virus...keeps coming back

I closed the blog and looked into the internet for some advice.. some of the advice I usually give to uplift people from this victim syndrome... but the article was quite irrelevant. It talked about assuming responsiblity, and I know I created it through my own behavior and mental patterns.  It talks about giving and that is here the probelm.  It talks about helping someone else and taking charge of my life and my problem is being the only responsible in many lives...

So, enough of this mental shit, I guess.... I am gonna take a shower, and overcome my jaw,teeth, stomach, heart aches and move on...and to hell with EVERYTHING, it is gonna be a good day somehow!
 

The Truth in my head

Sometimes, I am too full of stuff to write....and this is exactly, when it is good to write!  An MBTI test, which is a psychometric test that classifies personality according to 4 main elements, one of them is whether the person is "judging" which basically means that she likes to have plans, clear systems. This person likes to have a structure, needs to know the steps.  And I am definitely in this sense a "judging".  I mean in a way, I am crazy, spontaneous, artistic...that is all true, too, but I like to know the steps, the frame, the plan...and all those grandiose words that seem to evoke a certain feeling of safety?? It is more like a "sigh" like "now I know.  Now, I do not have to remind my busy brain with all the things I have miraculously jammed into it". 

So, when my mind is so full...and there are so many things to do and say and feel and express...it is time for words to choose who will come out first and jump on my screen. 

The basic idea that I am struggling with recently. actually lately....probably for the last 10 years or more... whatever.  Anyway, the basic idea in my head is that I want to grow more in my work as trainer and coach and of course writer. These are things that truly "fill up my senses".  I also work as HR Head on part time basis in a company and I do enjoy my work very much, well like 90% or more of it.  I like it because in it I have a chance not just to do the mundane stuff, but to actually laugh a lot, talk to people as human beings, behave as the Amina in the street, in the blog... the same one.  I have the chance to come up with creative ideas and see them happening, and I have the opportunity to talk to any of the 500 employees and say something that actually does make a difference sometimes.  Sometimes, arrange a trip and give them a fun day... see them singing and dancing in an event...or personally get involved in their growth and in their problems.  And that makes me feel that my work there is worth while. It is not simply recruitment and training over the shelf, for me it is more of creating a culture, seeing inside of people, making others happy and helping them grow. 

So, anyway, my dilemma is to balance the many things I do: writing (with all its activities), training and coaching (and this also comes in various channels and ways) and of course, there is my life; my kids, my parents, my friends, my health, my sports (not yet:)...and this does drive me NUTS sometimes,

The idea in my head is that this year, there are 3 words to hold, explore, follow and play with:

- Discipline: and by that I mean putting a plan and really stick to it. I am discipline, have been all my life, except in some things: waking up early! which I really want to change.  I mean I usually wake up late and feel very bad about it.  So it is either I wake up late and feel relaxed and do not mourn the half day wasted OR wake up early and use the day.  To keep on waking late and lamenting is ridiculous.  And the other thing in this "Discipline" is really sticking to the plan and this brings me to the next point;

Planning: learning the art of real cool planning, not the stuff I do.  I mean really anticipating the needs while I am cool and using resources around. It also means leaving space and not cramming optimistically everything in one day or one week or one hour. A couple of days ago, I made a plan for the day, which in reality and without any time wasting on my side, took 2.5 days!! which shows how unrealistic, terribly optimistic I get while planning.  I think there is a sense of achievement (a fake one!) that comes when I finish things on my calendar :) 

I have actually realized last year, that I fill the days agendas with so much and naturally fail to finish them and the results are: 1-I am always busy. 2- I always feel like an A+ student who has not finished his homework and who has tests coming. 3- I miss feeling free and light and going  out without a care in the world!

- Framing and re-framing:  this is a term from Neuro-Linguistic programming, and it is easy, it is about how you see this thing. So, when I see the outings, the kids errands, the call to my parents or the writing of a new blog or continuing the chapter in the new book...when I see those as another thing on the list, I feel pressured, stressed and a creepy and extremely false feeling of victimization sort of creeps and hides somewhere.
 Whereas if I see those things as activities, a sign of abundance and energy, or an expression of a life well lived... a diversity in what I love and in love itself...then the whole picture seems to widen...space seems to grow... sunshine, literally, seems to change the whole color of the first dreary picture. 

It is true that in both pictures, I might be tired.  but it is not the same in both pictures.
As I was writing the sentence above,  I started writing crudely and honestly"I am not young anymore, I have worked myself so hard, and consumed so much of myself, that I can no longer bear the same workload and errands and demands on me as before".  Well.  It might be true, but on the other hand, if I use re-framing I can see it like that "I have had a very active life so far, been to so many places, done so much..and that gives momentum to my life and days. I am used to doing and enjoying many things at the same time.  And it is time to give some more attention to my energy levels to keep me going". 
So you see the difference??
In reality (what is reality?) both versions are true, for what is truth? The facts are the same, the truth is what is in my head...

Let us check what is it in our heads that dims the colour of our pictures ?

Like the sea...life is

Yesterday was an awful day.  I tried all my tricks.  I wrote in my blog. I used (or actually tried to) the switch (mentioned in the book, which is basically a switch in my head that I use to see things with a different frame or from a different perspective).  I kept resisting the bad mood, and the many many things that pecked on me.  I felt actually like a little piece of old bread pecked by little birds from every place... and tricks or treats ( I did eat chocolate), I failed. 

The day was plain bad.  Of course, there were those nice moments, when I cuddled with my son. Others when close friends were on the phone.  Others, when I went back to reading the book I recently got "Assertiveness for earth angels"...those were nice.  But overall, that was definitely not my day.

Today is different.  It is as if the Tsunami has subsided.  The anger and fear that shaped the lining of yesterday has been substituted by acceptance, faith and peace. 

 

Usually when I get stressed, I get angry and nervous. In my book, I wrote "anger or SOS"; and yesterday my yells mingled with my tears and I did not know which was which.  I guess I felt worried, I would not be able to do all the things I have to do.  I felt afraid to be unable to live the life I want and live up to my purpose.  I felt once again for the millionth time that I cannot give up the responsibilities/ dreams/projects I have and yet, I cannot either do them all. And there I was...sort of stuck amid the layers of everything.

Today is different.  I feel grateful for all the things I have been given; my family, my friends, my brains and my heart...my crazy soul :), the book, you, my reader, the words, the alphabets, the sun outside and the ability to - everyday- live...

and may sometimes, I just have to accept that it is a bad day...and that it passes.  Acceptance is not surrender here.  I do not want to bathe in a tub of bad mood, it's just that sometimes acceptance - without surrender - makes life easier. 

And I feel today that life and I are like the sea...sometimes the waves are too angry and strong...spitting out vengeance on the innocent swimmers... and sometimes peaceful, gentle and inspiring.  Life is like the sea...and so am I.  I am not a lake.  I am not a lagoon.  I am a sea. 
This reminds me of Mohamed Mounir's song " I adore the sea". 

He says " I adore the sea..like you my love, very tender...and like you sometimes crazy...
Sometimes like you wondering....and sometimes angry...
Sometimes laden with patience...I adore the sea
I adore the sky...because like you, it is forgiving....planted with stars and joy....beloved and strange...and like you far away....and sometimes like you close to me... with eyes full of tunes...
I love the sky...
I love the road...because it is where we met..."

I can go forever in that translation...when I translate, I really listen with my heart to the word and they show me a different depth and tenderness that do not always manifest themselves when you just hear a song.

Anyway, I am attaching the link here... enjoy the song...enjoy the sky..., the road...and the little bumps in it :) enjoy the life...the sea...and the different colours of your days and of yourselves...
http://www.facebook.com/OfficialUltrasMounirian
 

messy messy

In a way it is quite a messy day!  It is 1:45 Egypt time and I haven't really gone out of bed! Well, I did, but then I went again to bed... and this makes me feel immediately 2 things: Bad Girl/ Wasted Day:(
This pattern of thought has been so recurrent especially in the last couple of years, that I should be terribly bored by it.  And as I tell my son when he is late "either you say sorry and deal with it, or manage your time better".  I definitely might use a bit of my wisdom!

In addition to all the little silly gremlins above, I have also this feeling inside that since I ...well talk about happiness and positivity so much, I should not fall in the trap so often, or at least if I do, then I should use some of my mentioned tricks to actually manage and enjoy getting out.  Otherwise, it reminds of me of the Arabic saying that "the carpenter's door is broken".

So, let us explore, and use this messed up day as an experience for both me and you (if you are not bored to death yet). the day is messed up.  I have not gone to work.  Nor have I gone to the shopping mall, that I so much wanted to go to.  Nor, have I went to do my driving license that the police officer have gently taken from me to draw my attention to the fact that it has expired around 2 months ago!
My son has a swimming and running training today at 5, which is 3 hours from now. 

So, plan B or C or D or whatever can go as follows:  prepare lunch, do the stuff I want on the laptop; I need to write a brief about my company, have an assignment to work on, and a project to initiate with a group. And then, by 5 or 6 I can still go to the mall and buy all the goodies, I want.  Actually I am dying to buy some decorative stuff for the house.  You know those wall paintings with inspiring stuff, or metal work with words on them like : "why wait?" and "all you need is love" and it might seem naive , but I love those stuff and it makes me happy. I actually believe in the positivity that is emitted from positive quotes. And I would like to include some sports in the day. We'll see.

In my previous blog "diaries of a soul miner" which turned into my first book "The Yellow Raincoat", there is a post called "brand new day" and it talks about our ability to outsource and create and mix ingredients to create a new lovely day...and though it is past noon, I have actually done some good stuff (like this new blog, I hope) and will have some fun with my son, Hassan now.

So, mission accomplished.  Day hopefuly saved, like Powerpuff girls! and mentioning them, you know what they are made of? sugar and spice and everything nice plus an accidental spill of the chemical substance X!  and guess what I am pretty sure we have that too:)

Turn your day around if it is  a mess...and enjoy like hell if it is going as you want...






 

New Year Resolutions? Or not...

 

 

I belong to a slightly outdated era. That era in which there was no Internet or mobiles until I was up and working for a couple of years.  In that same era, not all books were available all the time as it is now.  I remember when I read about how important it is to actually write resolutions in "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" I was impressed.  I remembered those little pieces of paper with scribbled resolutions that get lost, only to be found a year or more later with
most of them actually done.  I took Covey's advice seriously.  I wrote the objectives down in an excel sheet, with milestones and follow up cells.  I even made a big chart with pictures of the things I want...of how I want to my life to look like. 

We usually have dreams and pictures in our heads and hearts...but sometimes they are faded away, others they are so misplaced that one is on top of the other hiding its beauty and its glamor.  Sometimes, they are just fragmented and many that none of them has enough power to speak to us and materialize in the real world.  (if we assume that the one inside is not "real" :)

So, it was actually very handy to write my resolutions and go back to them along the year and see what I have or have not done...and what was stopping me.  Sometimes, I would find that I have changed plans, which was OK, assuming that I was not "cheating". And, I did achieve many of the resolutions or objectives of the last couple of years; I lost those extra pounds and started exercising (I did get them back and stopped exercising, which is an objective that persists throughout 2014), I did publish my first book, after which this blog is named "The Yellow Raincoat" and so far it is doing very well, thank God. I did participate in the studies I wanted and I did both achieve and enjoy my work-related objectives and some of my family objectives too.

Whether these lists were inspiring or not, I am trying to remember.  I think they were inspiring the moment I wrote them. I can also recall that coming back to them sort of reminded me of what was important for me in a "sober" moment, without the daily rush.  They were committing in a way.

So, based on this very fruitful experience with resolutions, I knew it was time for my new year resolutions (just like the appraisals) and I took my new notepad ( I am an addict for notepads and mugs) and started thinking.  Then I thought "Let us not start right away with the resolutions...let us start from where wishes reside...my heart".  What started it was hearing myself saying loudly "I wanna be able to go home early and have a cup of tea with a book in bed".  It was an easy and legitimate wish.  Why can't I have it in 2014?  Then I started the list with things that I WANT rather than WANT TO DO.  It was totally pure, to be honest, my endless "to do lists" kept meddling into my wish list but it was OK. 

Yesterday, I went back to this list to get inspired from the heart and start my resolutions.  Already 5 days were gone and I am very conscientious about the time that passes.  I started by reading what I WANT.... then I realized that I do NOT want to have a resolution list anymore.  Not this year, for sure.  I realized I was already on track of all that stuff.  I realized that one thing that I most wanted this new year was to feel leisure...freedom...space... I do not want to feel like I am carrying a head too tall due to the lists on top of it. 

I realized that the lists have added commitment and clarity to me before.  Now, they are too committing and they take the oxygen out of me.  At one point I used them to serve me. At one point they gave me something useful.  At this point, however, they are negatively influencing me...they are taking out the pleasure of the objectives by the suffocating commitment I associate with them. 
I think my road is clear.  I know what I want to do.  I know also what I want more of.  And I know that this year, I do not need resolution lists.  Not that they are bad....but no, not this year, thanks :)

And so, my lesson out of this was that things change.  Some tools might be good for us at a certain point and bad for us at another. Even though they are the same tools and we are the same people.  My other learning was one that I already knew but saw with fresh eyes once again; it is how you approach things that really matter.  The same thing can be a pleasure or a pain.  It depends how you call it and see it. Is it a task, an objective, a mission, a purpose, a hobby, a job, an activity... and what are the feelings you associate with each one of those...

So, this year, I am interested in following my dreams... in butterfly-like steps...leisurely and with pleasure...Happy new year!