One of those days... A bunch actually!

I have not been writing in the last few days, because I was not happy. I was angry, in pain and feeling helpless...as I do a lot.  I am still dwelling on those feelings.

You see, I had to have my tooth, who's been under treatment for almost 3 years now, pulled out.  And it was bloody painful. I realized at the dentist's , that it very difficult to keep your poise there. You can not keep the professional, sane or wise image anymore.  I suddenly found myself pouring out all my teeth traumas infront of him.  And then I actually did cry with sounds and tears..no matter how hard I tried not to.

My problem now is that for like almost a week now I have been in pain; various pains: stomachache, headache, toothache, and I have been working like hell when it was possible. So my life has been sort of reduced to those 2 activities:( Everytime, I had an appointment with a friend, or I had an outer activity I had to cancel, coz I am either sick in bed or working in bed, too... And I am SO ANGRY that this is my life now. 

And...the question as usual pops up "Whom are you angry at?" 

I am angry at the others who do not take their part, and angry at myself or pleased (not sure) because I get up and do theirs.
I am angry at the others who ask and ask, and angry at myself for not saying no
I am angry because though I was always an A student, I never said "no" to an outing...
I am angry because in reality I guess I pity myself...when it feels like a wasted life... I always have those feelings when I feel sick and have no one to take care of me.  My son, though, did this time very gently
I am angry because I am definitely sick and tired of this victim role I swim in , as my daughter crudely mentioned
And I am angry because I am not sure if I want those tears to fall right now or not
I am angry because this is not the life I want.  And I am angry because I have been stuck in this place of giving for too long...
I am angry because I do take care, I do pressure myself for people and those same people are having fun...they are not giving a damn, only I am...and they expect me to...
I guess I am angry because I am letting myself be in my head and in reality; a victim, a doormat, a martyr...
And I am even angrier, because I realized this some time ago, I stopped it but it is like a virus...keeps coming back

I closed the blog and looked into the internet for some advice.. some of the advice I usually give to uplift people from this victim syndrome... but the article was quite irrelevant. It talked about assuming responsiblity, and I know I created it through my own behavior and mental patterns.  It talks about giving and that is here the probelm.  It talks about helping someone else and taking charge of my life and my problem is being the only responsible in many lives...

So, enough of this mental shit, I guess.... I am gonna take a shower, and overcome my jaw,teeth, stomach, heart aches and move on...and to hell with EVERYTHING, it is gonna be a good day somehow!